


She Can Dance With Anyone She Wants

by Cousin Shelley (CousinShelley)



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: 20th Century, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Mild Blood, Minor Character Death, Orgy, Pansexual Character, Pre-Canon, True Love, Vampires, but he'll be back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinShelley/pseuds/Cousin%20Shelley
Summary: Laszlo runs into someone unexpected at one of the vampire orgies and tries not to lose his head.
Relationships: Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	She Can Dance With Anyone She Wants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brodeurbunny30](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brodeurbunny30/gifts).



"Are you excited, my darling?" Laszlo Cravensworth kissed his wife's hand as they left their crypt. "I've only recently felt fully recovered from our last orgy and wondered if I'd be up for this, but seeing how beautiful you are tonight has me raring to go."

Nadja played with the ends of her dark hair, one corner of her mouth turned up in a coquettish smirk. "Ooh, you're such a charmer. I do hope this one's better than the last. So few people came. I think Vladislaw waited too long to send the invitations."

"At least we only have to go as far as Mannahatta this time and don't need an ocean voyage to get there. I think it's going to be a cracking good time." 

"We should have breakfast before we get there, Laszlo. Then we can spend more time having the sex and not have to worry about eating." She laughed, wiggled her fingers and sing-songed, "Until it's _virgin time_."

Nandor appeared in the hallway, face longer than usual. Laszlo gestured at the shiny fabric draped over his arm. "What the hell is this?"

"Our clothes for the orgy." 

"I already have clothes for the orgy. What I'm wearing. These are my orgy clothes, since I'm wearing them to the orgy."

Nandor held out a suit and a dress to Laszlo. "Apparently I missed the part of the invitation that specified that it's a themed orgy. All this time I thought the box was trash that no one took outside."

"You need a new familiar, old chap, if you can't be bothered with these kinds of details yourself." He snatched the clothes from Nandor, then held the short gold dress out to Nadja. 

"What's the theme?" Nadja asked, not taking it. "Terrible fashion choices? Bad taste? I hated those clothes when they were common, so why would I want to wear that now?"

Nandor held up a finger. "The theme is The Great Gatsby. The females are supposed to wear those dresses called floppers. And the males--"

"Flappers," Laszlo said. "That _fucking_ stupid book. Why haven't people forgotten about it now that everyone goes to the cinema? How old is it now? At least a hundred years, by my count."

"It's twenty years old," Nandor corrected. 

"Only twenty? Feels like it's been around forever."

Nadja slapped the clothing out of Laszlo's hand like she was putting out a fire. "If it has to be themed, can't the costumes be something more fun? Something more . . . modern?"

"Modern?" Laszlo took Nadja's arm and lowered them gently to the main floor of the house, with Nandor floating behind them, carrying the suits and dress. "All us chaps could be bugle boys, and the lovely ladies could be nurses."

"Nooo." Nandor tossed the clothes onto the chaise longue in the entryway and put his hands on his hips. Of course he'd argue with Laszlo's idea, like always. "I don't like war-themed orgies. It's too distracting."

"Have we had one before?" Nadja asked. "I don't remember one."

"Some of the European vampires I used to spend time with liked to roleplay killing and pillaging at their orgies."

"Hmph." Lazslo donned his favorite bowler. He wanted to wear his prized witch-skin hat, but Nadja informed him she'd boiled it in oil and shipped it to a continent she wouldn't name. No matter. It would be back soon enough. "Sounds fun to me." 

"I thought so too, but you know what they say. Never mix the business with pleasure."

"Who says that?" Laszlo demanded. "I've never heard that."

"I don't know who said that. They said it. They, whoever says the things people remember and repeat to each other. And it turns out they were right. I don't like to mix the killing and pillaging business with the pleasure of a sexual nature."

Nadja laughed and elbowed Laszlo in the ribs. "We're going to be with the mixing of pleasures and our businesses tonight, aren't we? Ha _ha_!" 

Laszlo laughed. "Darling, I must say, your sexy repartee is really turning me on."

"But what about the themed clothing?" Nandor said, in that whine of his that made him sound like an absolute arse.

"Our host can stuff it." Laszlo straightened his hat and wished he could see his own reflection. He must look resplendent. "It's not like we're going to be wearing clothes for very long anyway."

Nadja slid her hand down Laszlo's chest, flicking the gold buttons on his waistcoat as she went. "And the faster we get _nay-ked_ , the less anyone will care."

"Nadja, Laszlo, please remember that we're talking about Maximus the Malevolent here."

"Oh, right." Laszlo tilted his head. "He's the one who likes to behead vampires who piss him off. And he's already put out with me as it is."

Nandor ticked off a list on his fingertips. "Behead, disembowel, skin alive, break on a rack, hobble . . . anything vicious you may think of that involves removing a part of the body from where it should be naturally, yes. He's the one to do it."

Nadja smoothed down the shoulders of Laszlo's overcoat. "Oh, all right. We'll wear his stupid bloody costumes so he won't want to behead us, and as soon as we get there, woops!" She threw her hands in the air. "Woopsie-days! Got my stupid bloody clothing all bloody on the way. I'm so sorry," she said in a conciliatory tone, her bottom lip pushed out, "but we've always been such messy eaters. Must get out of this with speedy movements because we're _so. Very. Dirty_."

Laszlo tossed his head back and laughed. "Genius. You're always so clever, my darling. He can't expect to behead us for merely getting our clothing soiled, can he? I mean we're in the spirit of the thing by wearing the damn clothes at all."

"And we would be so rude starting out the orgy covered in blood, would we not?" Nadja asked. "That's for later. We don't want to be jumping the guns and trying to show anybody up."

"Yes," Nandor said. "You're supposed to get dirty _at_ an orgy, not get the orgy dirty by showing up dirty to the orgy. Excellent thinking, Nadja."

Laszlo curled his arm around Nadja's waist and pulled her against him. "It's so exciting when you say smart things, my sweet darling."

She stroked his face with both hands. "Just to be sure you're understanding me, I want the dirty tonight, yes?" She groaned and growled softly. "You understand with the dirty plans?"

"Oh yes, my love. I understand. Mmmhaha." If his lady love wanted dirty, that's what she would have. "We'll be dirty as pigs in mud," he said, then led Nadja back to their crypt to change into those stupid clothes. 

Nadja's clothes took longer to take off, so Laszlo met Nandor in the entryway to wait. "You look like a twat," he said with a laugh. Nandor's dark hair hung down over the shoulders of the black tuxedo. His bow tie was crooked. 

"You're wearing the exact same thing!" Nandor patted his tie. "Is this straight?"

"Yes."

"You know, Laszlo, I'm always impressed at how little these orgies bother you. I'm not sure I'd be so accepting of my wife having sexy times with other vampires."

"You had _thirty-seven_ wives."

"Who only slept with me."

Laszlo tossed his head back and laughed. "That's what you think. If I'd been married to you, there'd have definitely been some wife-on-wife action on those thirty-six days you were sleeping with someone else." 

Nandor grimaced, but shook his head. " _Anyway_ , I'm trying to compliment you, I think, on not being jealous."

Only one person had even stirred a hint of jealousy in Laszlo, and he only had to deal with that every forty or fifty years, at most. "I look at it like this, Nandor. The lady can dance with anybody she wants, because I know every night when I wake up, she'll be right there by my side. In her coffin, that's next to mine. Very close by."

Nadja appeared, her upper lip curled back. "Blech. This is barely a nightie. It's like a nightie for poor people who can't afford the proper length or number of layers."

"It _is_ horrible, but you still look ravishing in it, darling. At least it's not complicated to remove." He took her hand and the three of them went out into the night.

They arrived at the orgy to find only about half the vampires wore 1920s period clothing. Renoit the Reviled pulled Laszlo and Nadja aside the moment they stepped inside the door. 

"Some of us got together and decided to"--he made air quotes--"forget to wear them. We figured he might behead one or two, but if several wore different clothes he wouldn't bother. Safety in numbers."

"I wish someone would have clued us in." Laszlo smoothed down the lapel of his suit, which was surprisingly clean. They'd had breakfast on the way, but the man hadn't been much of a bleeder, and they'd been hungry. No matter, their clothes would be in piles on the floor soon enough. As he scanned the room to see who was there, he wished he'd brought at least a couple of his films. One, he knew for a fact, was popular at stag parties. A very handsome young man named Davis who'd wanted to be their last familiar had seen it before coming to work for them.

The problem with Davis was that he'd been too damn good looking and a little too eager. He'd wanted to recreate the film he'd watched with himself as the damsel seduced by the vampire, obviously played by Laszlo. It was so exciting to have such a sexy man praise his film that Laszlo lost control of himself and skipped the sexy part to go straight to draining him of his blood. Shame, because he'd have been a wonderful familiar.

The movie Davis had loved so much would surely help make this orgy a hit. Maybe next time. Definitely, when they were chosen to host, Laszlo would surprise them all with his vast body of work. 

He'd been daydreaming about his wonderful and highly erotic films so long that Nadja's dress had already been tossed to parts unknown, so Laszlo unbuttoned his shirt and stripped off that damnable tie and jacket. He'd never understood why ties of any kind had ever been popular, though he'd worn many to fit in with the times. Who the hell decided they should wear something around their necks that could be so easily used as a garotte? Naive and stupid, if you asked him. That was how he'd disposed of that bastard who kept popping up to tempt Nadja the last time he'd found them. Laszlo had used the idiot's own cravat to strangle him and twist his head off, all the while explaining that he really should carefully consider his fashion choices and maybe his future careers because the whole damn song and dance was growing tiresome.

Laszlo tossed the tie. It landed on the very muscular shoulder of an incredibly handsome and shirtless man who wiggled his eyebrows. He looped the tie behind his neck, then slid it side to side as he sashayed toward Laszlo. 

"Well, fuck me." Laszlo knew that face, and that broad chest. "You didn't listen to a fucking word I said, did you?"

He grabbed Gregor's arm and pulled him into another room before Nadja could see. "Aren't you human? How'd you get invited to a vampire orgy?"

"Vampire what?" Gregor said with a laugh.

And then a delightful buzz rose from Laszlo's groin to the top of his head. Oh. _Virgin_. 

"Look at you, with your bronze and glowing skin, and your muscles and your not unimpressive bulge." Laszlo scoffed. Had the man been in a monastery? "How is it even possible?"

"How is what possible?" Gregor asked in his deep, commanding voice. A shiver went up Laszlo's spine. He had to give Nadja credit for choosing Gregor all those centuries ago. He was a fine specimen who Laszlo had to admit tempted even him now and then. Pride swelled in Laszlo's chest. Between him and Gregor, his wife had such exquisite taste in men. 

If only Nadja didn't get upset every time she thought of Gregor or saw him and knew that he'd soon lose his head. He could probably set aside his mild jealousy if not for that. 

"Never mind," Laszlo said. "Look, you have to leave, or I'm going to have to kill you. I should probably just kill you anyway, but I don't want to upset my lady love, and I don't want Maximus pissed off at me for ruining his dinner. I did that a few years ago and I think he still holds a grudge."

"You're a strange little man," Gregor said with a laugh. 

"Laszlo!" Maximus shouted from the hall. He stood at least six feet tall, his shoulders broad enough to force him to turn at a tilt to walk into the room and clear the doorway. His pale yellow hair hung to his chest. "Laszlo, you wretch, you selfish dog. What do you think you're doing?"

Laszlo turned, his shirt unbuttoned and Gregor shirtless behind him. He knew how it looked. "I was _not_ about to fuck your virgin."

Gregor laughed nervously. "I'm not a virgin. Susan lets me do things sometimes."

Maximus stalked toward them. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. We love virgins. Especially this backstabber here, who tries to keep them all for himself."

"For pity's sake, it was one time, and I'd gotten a little tipsy from grabbing a bite on the way over. Let it go, you arsehole."

"You let it go. Why don't you go out and join Nadja?"

Gregor spoke up. "I've touched her breasts and once she let me--"

"Nobody cares," Laszlo growled. "Maximus, if you're still holding that grudge, why did you invite me?"

"Nadja?" Gregor mumbled, frowning. Then his eyes snapped wide. "Nadja!"

"Maybe I shouldn't have. Or, wait, maybe I invited you here just so I could kill you." Maximus' eyes glowed red. He plucked an ax off the wall. "You didn't think about that, did you?"

"No, and neither did you, until just now."

Maximus roared and and swung. 

" _Bat!_ "

The ax whistled through the air where Laszlo had been. And cleanly sliced off Gregor's head. 

Maximus fell onto Gregor's body and drank, so Laszlo took human shape again and went in search of Nadja. They should probably run for their lives, but she looked so forward to these events. Besides, Maximus would probably be fat and happy after he was finished with Gregor and more willing to let bygones be bygones since he got to enjoy the virgin this time around.

***

An hour before dawn, Nadja sat up from where she'd been stretched out on a Turkish rug. She pushed Laszlo and Valerius away. "Regrettably, we should go home now, darling, if we want time to bathe before we sleep."

Valerius grabbed Laszlo's ankle, but Laszlo pulled it free and patted the nearest part of his anatomy. "Sorry, chap. My good lady wife Nadja demands her bath, and honestly, I'm starting to chafe." 

Once home in their crypt, Nadja kissed him. "I had such a wonderful time tonight, Laszlo. Thank you for making the dirty things and times for me. It means very much to me that you didn't leave to clean up even once. You were amazing, my darling."

"Anything for my sweet baby." He stroked her cheek. How he loved this woman! And he knew she loved him, more than anything. She felt things for Gregor, and she wanted him physically. But she'd never turned him into a vampire, not in dozens of lifetimes and opportunities. She'd turned Laszlo, and then she'd married him. That told him all he needed to know.

"Are you sure you're ready for a bath?" He put an arm around her waist and pulled her tight against him, his lips brushing hers as he spoke. "Could we have some private time? After all, I've shared you the whole night. And I have a surprise for my lady love."

"Oooh." She bounced on her toes. "Shall we do it as bats?"

"Even better. Something I know you love." He hurried from the room to the closet down the hall. Laszlo carried the filled bucket and the mop into their crypt and closed the door with a flourish. 

Nadja clapped her hands and laughed. "You're such a _dirty boy._ Or should I say _dirty washer woman_."

"It's a new mop, just for us," he boasted. "And I cleaned the floors with it yesterday so the water's gray and cold, just the way you like it."

"Oh, I love you, my darling." Nadja threw herself into his arms. She batted her eyes, her voice gone soft and small. "Please don't mop me, washer woman. Don't ravish me as you wring out your mop all over my throbbing naked body parts."

He had never really understood the appeal of this particular fantasy of hers, but whatever made Nadja happy suited him as well. They ended up too tired to bathe by the time they sensed dawn and the exhaustion that came with it, so Laszlo went to sleep that day as filthy and happy as he'd ever been.


End file.
